Week Twelve - Where am I????

Week Twelve challenge is to look at where we are and how we are travelling, now that we have completed 12 weeks (WOW – time is flying past!!!)......

I would have to say that I am definitely in a better, happier place right now. I am much more open to ‘noticing’ the little things, and I am definitely more grateful..... And all thanks to Deb and her fantastic SYL Challenge.

I have found many challenges difficult and very confronting, and I think I lost a lot of readers with one post, but that’s ok, because I am not writing for people to read, I am writing to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head and clearing way for ‘good’ things!! I have fought with myself, and I have laughed at myself along the way. But I am starting to see little glimpses of the me I used to be....... I still feel down sometimes and life gets on top of me, but generally I feel much better than I did twelve weeks ago.

I have enjoyed spending time with my daughter by going on a horse trail ride (which I have been promising for nearly two years!!!). She loved it and I know she loved being able to spend time with just me, with no baby or anyone else around. We are going to try and complete a trail ride every few months. This has really pleased me, as I enjoyed sharing with my daughter an activity that I loved as a child.

I have tried to slow down, a big task for my busy life, but I think I have managed it a tiny bit. I now make sure I am home on a Friday with no activities at all. This is because I noticed that I really hit a wall on Thursdays and could actually spend the majority of the day in tears. By knowing that I could do nothing on Friday, it made it easy to get through the week. I made the decision to tell people I was busy on Fridays, and I only complete what NEEDS to be done housework wise. This has definitely been a positive change.

In trying to slow down, I also finally made the decision to quit my job!!!! It was such a hard decision, but once made I felt so happy and so light. It really is the best thing for me and my family that I am a stay at home mum. Its what I want, and I love being there for every moment with all of my kids. I love that I can be there for all the after school activites, all of the school assemblies or sports days, and really just there for every sad face and every smile and definetely every hug!! Some people don't enjoy being a stay at home mum, and thats ok, but I LOVE IT!!!!!

I have been able to finish organising my house!!! YAY...... Although, it is really an ongoing process. BUT, every room is tidy and everything has a place again and its sooo much easier to tidy quickly. I have not been able to tackle my ironing, mmmmm that’s because I hate it!! But, I will get there......... I am loving staying on top of the housework and little jobs that seem to pile up. I am also so much more calm. I used to be very particular and get very stressed if the floor was not sparkling and the rooms were not spotless, now, I accept that I live in my home with my family and it’s ok to have a ‘lived in’ house!!!!

I have been unable to lose any weight – but I am ok with that as I like me for me right now.

We have been able to catch up with my family many times in the last 12 weeks. And it has made me very happy!!!! I was very lucky to spend a week last week with my mum to celebrate my baby girls first birthday, and I was a bit sad to say goodbye. It has only strengthened by desire to have a family catch up every few months, so I am in the process of organising one for May.

Another positive change is that I designed, planned, executed and love my very own garden!!! I waited until my husband had gone away for the weekend, and I worked very hard but I am sooooo happy with the result. And so too is everyone else. I enjoyed the planning, the buying and even the getting dirty part. I am now thinking about my next project in another part of our garden, that I can put my stamp on!!!

I have been lucky to go to the movies (yes the actual movies!!! WITH NO KIDS!!!) twice in the last two months, I think I am very spoilt!!!! I enjoyed both times and it really shows that just by having a small amount of time away from being needed every second, can really invigorate one self. I am so glad that I made this a goal for this year!!!!

I have begun going to a playgroup every week, and to my surprise I love it. The first time I went I was like, no not going back, the people there are not my type of people, didn’t like it no I’m not going back..... Geeez how judgemental and wrong was I!!! I made myself go the next week and I actually really enjoyed it. Now I love it and look forward to going. I really like the women there, they make me laugh, I enjoy the conversations, and I actually have quite a bit in common with most of them. Now I just have to push myself further out of my comfort zone and ask the few women I really like to maybe catch up out of the playgroup session.........

I also began playing sport again. No more excuses I just jumped in and signed up to mid week netball. My sister in law baby sits for me, and I go off and play. I am LOVING it. It’s nice to have my own thing. I am so used to running around after everyone else’s sporting activities that I forgot just how much fun it is to PLAY!!!! I also took a bigger step out of my comfort zone and attended a training session to play Football/Netball on a Saturday afternoon with our local club....... I can say that ......... I got scared and backed away L ....... but it’s ok, I am a work in progress and I am happy that I started mid week netball....... baby steps, baby steps!!!!

Mmmmm it seems that I have made many changes towards achieving my goals, but I have noticed that life does seem to get in the way sometimes, but I am trying to be conscious of this and MAKE myself incorporate some of my goals into everyday life. Not only have I changed for the better, my family has also. My kids love asking how playgroup and netball went, and they enjoy seeing the new relaxed (a little bit), and happier mum!!! Our family life seems to running a lot more smooth and quieter.......Thanks Deb for inspiring this better me!!!!

Choose to be kinder and let things go

This week’s challenge in the 52 Weeks to simplify your life challenge is all about gratitude and kindness. But a word that really jumps out at me, is CHOOSE. Choose to be kinder and let things go.

It is all about what we CHOOSE to do or say or how we CHOOSE to react to a situation as to how we feel, good or bad. And it’s really got me thinking.

I have felt quite down the last few weeks, and I see that it’s because I have chosen to let things get to me or I have felt that things are out of my control. I have chosen this week to lift myself up and change this pattern, and in doing so I have let things go.

I am a natural nurturer. If someone I know is down or sick or needs a hand with anything, I will be there! Usually with arms full of lasagne and whatever other delights I have cooked. I like to help my friends and family and community whenever or wherever I can. Usually to the detriment to myself and my health.

But lately I have also noticed that people are taking advantage of this nice spirit of mine, and I come away feeling quite used and upset. This has puzzled me as I know I do things for others because I want to and I like to know that I have helped ease their burden, so why should it matter to me if they are taking advantage. These feelings also started me thinking of the times that I have needed help or would have liked someone to do the same for me – only nobody did. I have gone through some very rough patches and no one was there for me. So, my thinking started to change and I wonder why do I bother???? It can really get me down, but do you know what? I still continue to do these things – these acts of kindness and love – and I am pretty sire I always will. It’s me and it always will be. After all, it’s how I feel when I help these people!!

So, I am letting go of this feeling!!

This week’s challenge has also lead me to a gratitude journal..... I am still not 100% sure what it is, but I have taken the meaning to be a journal where every night I think of at least five things I am grateful for that occurred in that day. I am really enjoying it, and it really does lift your mood and spirits.

For example, a few things that I am grateful this week were:

My beautiful baby girl. She makes me laugh at her little personality starting to emerge. The fact that she started to crawl ALL around the house this week, and now I don’t know where I will find her.

My husband. He really is a special person. A kind hearted and loving man I am a very lucky woman to have such a great husband. He does so much for me and our family – I am very grateful for him and his love.

The Bright Blue Sky – And also the Dark Rain Filled Sky. This week we have seen hot days and also stormy days. I have found myself a few times just gazing at the sky thinking just how beautiful it is. And oh I was very grateful for the magical dark stormy sky on Friday. I needed a rest and the darkness of the sky and the soft sound of rain made me stop and rest. It was a relaxing day!

My Mum. Most people would be grateful for their mums, so this may not seem big, but it’s huge for me!! I am so very happy at the moment because my mum, who lives quite far away, and doesn’t come to stay much, is coming to stay for eight days, to help celebrate my daughters first birthday. I am excited to see her and share with her this milestone. But also for my children to spend time with their nanny.

So, so far so good with my journal. It’s also nice to have a tiny piece of calm before bed.

While, I am enjoying everything right now, I also need to talk about what I have let go:

I have let go of the feeling that I am supposed to work and be a mum. It is ok for me to be just a mum and still be a valuable member of society!!!

I have let go of my position of employment. I an officially JUST A MUM – but oh so proud of that decision. I feel so light and happy now that the decision has been made!!

I have let go of the negative feelings I was having towards my baby girls sleeping habits!! She was once a fantastic sleeper mmmm not anymore!! She has decided that she needs a few night feeds, and some nights she decides she needs some extra cuddles in there too....... all this was leading to a very cranky and TIRED mummy...... So I was searching and searching WHAT COULD be the matter – and I stumbled across this gorgeous article, and it is just what I needed!!!

http://www.kidspot.com.au/Parenting-Ask-Dr-Justin-Help!-I-cant-settle-my-baby-and-Im-exhausted+6881+752+article.htm

It wasn’t your usual article about the practical, you know change the nappy, settle the baby, be tough blah blah blah, it was an article that made me feel good about hugging her tight in the middle of the night, and feeding her whenever, it was ok that I did what I felt was right. Finally an article that said loud and clear, mums do know best!!! So, now instead of searching for an answer to the exhaustion, I am embracing it as all too soon my little cherub will be all grown up!!!

Well, thank you deb for brightening my week! I am back on track now I have let a lot go and realise that it really is good to give and just be kind. I know myself that it brightens my day when a stranger smiles or holds a door, small gestures but sometimes they can be huge!!!

Fear!

This week’s challenge to look at our fears - or what holds us back from doing things, has been hard to think about, and now I am writing...... even harder. I have put alot of thought into this and it is quite difficult to actually get the words out (and in some kind of understandable manner!!!!)

I am AFRAID of my children dying. I am petrified that my baby girl who is almost one is going to stop breathing in her sleep and die. I am scared that my older children are going to have some kind of horrific accident that will take their life away. I am scared.

I have a FEAR of people really finding out who I am, and what I am really like - because they may not like me anymore.

I have a FEAR that people will JUDGE me negatively, on ALL my choices I make.

I have a WEIRD feeling that people are always talking about me, and this makes me feel isolated. I feel like these people who are somewhat ‘my friends’ may not be.

I have a FEAR that my husband will one day wake up and say it’s over.

I am AFRAID to be myself.

This post is quite dark and heavy – and if you are still reading, I apologise. But these are my fears. They stem from events that have occured throughout my life, and I cannot change these. All I can do is work on getting through them (and hoping they never happen!!!)

Yes I am also normal and afraid to step out of my comfort zone and try something new, incase I fail or cannot fulfil what I started, but the above fears are my real deep concerns. Some days they overwhelm me and I am so frightened. But really they are unlikely to happen and I need to keep telling myself that.

My friends love me for me, I know that.

My husband is the love of my life and I am his, I KNOW he would never say it’s over.

And really, people who judge me, well I should really not care!!!

And being myself – well that’s a work in progress!!!

Go easier on yourself..........

Was this week’s SYL Challenge set just for me personally?? Mmmm I think so.

I am in a constant battle with myself about EVERYTHING, from what I SHOULD be eating, to what I SHOULD weigh, to what extra curricula activities my kids SHOULD be doing, what my baby girl SHOULD be eating and doing, to well...... every aspect of my life. I am not happy that this battle rages in my head all the time. It’s a battle that will never be won as my personality is to please everyone at the cost of myself and my health – now I know this and still continue to be the person that never says no and always has time for everyone (except me).

So this week’s task was hard for me, but also timely.

My maternity leave (which technically finished in December – but I extended it to March) is up and I have to decide WHAT to do.  The battle of working or not working has raged inside my head for months!!!! The problem is that I don’t enjoy my job, I don’t get paid what I should and I think it would add way too much stress to my family’s life if I was to go back to work.( Mind you, my boss has only asked for me to return one day a week.) And the major downside – is that I am not ready to leave my baby girl.

I love being a stay at home mum. I love being there for every moment. I love being able to take my children to netball training or football, or wherever and not always saying, oh sorry mummy has to work. I have been the working mum and I don’t like that person. I like having dinner cooked every night (well nearly) and the house being tidy because I had time to do it. I don’t like the running around feeling like I am chasing my tail AND NEVER CATCHING UP!!!!

Some would say JUST stay home. Easier said than done. I feel that if I tell my boss that I cannot work, that I have let him down. That I owe him something...... I don’t owe him anything I know, but that’s how I feel.

Today I had a meeting with him and I was all strong and ready to say that I can only return to work if I work from home – which can be done to a fair extent in my position – BUT I went in there and the result was............no working from home, and I start next Thursday for one day a week........

Still, three hours later I feel deflated, sick, like a pushover, sad VERY sad and like a small child who doesn’t know what to do.

So this week’s task - Take time for some self reflection and see if there is anything in your life where changing your expectations / standards / approach could change your life. Is there something you can let go of (or approach differently) that does not currently serve you?

Mmmmm I know that I SHOULD be letting go of my job, HOW HOW HOW HOW!!!!!!!!

I think I should also let go of the fact that life is not perfect and that life will not end if my vacuuming or dishes are not done. This is a major thing I need to let go of. I need to let go of the little things that really do not matter………… but……… how!!!!! I could write a HUGE long list but perhaps just acknowledging them for now is good enough. And perhaps the big task of working/not working is such a major hurdle to get over this week, that I should put my energy into that.

Thanks Deb for such a timely challenge........